Miah Week 2 - Why Crabs Are Nature's Ultimate Life Form

 Why Crabs Are Nature's Ultimate Life Form

        Welcome to Week Two. I hope you aren't surprised by this, because if you are, you really should have known me better. A few months ago, I learned about my favorite thing ever: carcinisation. Carcinisation (sometimes spelled with a Z instead of an S, but I don't know why you would do that) is the evolutionary phenomenon of crustaceans evolving into crab-like beings. They don't even need to be anatomically close to a crab; they evolve into them anyways. L.A. Borradaile, who coined the term, called it "one of the many attempts of nature to evolve a crab". It's become a bit of a meme in online spaces, but I think there's more to it than that.

        To understand carcinisation, you must first understand which crabs are real and which aren't. Now, I know what you're thinking: I understand these words, but I cannot seem to grasp their weight. The distinction between "real" and "unreal" crabs is almost disorienting to me in its simultaneous complexity and simplicity. If there truly are "unreal" crabs, what defines it? Our perceptions affect everything, even in unbiased fields such as evolutionary biology. If we are naming which crabs are real and which crabs are not real, when does it end? Did we, as the only life forms able to comprehend ourselves, collectively choose to categorize crustaceans this way? If so, haven't we failed to take the feelings of the crabs into account? "This crab is real. This crab is not real." I cannot help but feel that it is not up to us. In fact, I fear it is not up to the crabs, either. No, whatever or whoever is pulling the strings here is much, much bigger than humans or crabs. They do not choose to evolve that way. Only we choose to categorize them that way. Is it the crabs? Is it us? Is it nature itself? Not even time will tell. 

        And I get it. I thought that way, too. It's a natural response to learning about carcinisation. Don't worry, though, because I have the answer.

        Real (or "true") crabs have four legs and an abdomen that's entirely under the thorax. Fake (or "false") crabs have two or three legs with parts of their abdomens exposed. True crabs also have shorter tails.

        Science still hasn't found a reason for this, though. Luckily, I have more opinions than all of science. If the purpose for carcinisation is still unknown, then I believe that there can only be one reason for it. The reason being, of course, that crabs are one of the highest states of being, and something deep in the exoskeleton of various crustaceans is aware of it and making the choice to be a crab. Us humans do not have that, possibly for various reasons. My primary theory right now is that we need big claws for it. I mean, think about it; every time you see one of those food tongs, you get the inexplicable urge to clack them together. I've never seen anyone without this desire. You probably think it's just a part of being human, and you wouldn't be entirely wrong. I think that it's a part of being human and a part of wanting to stop being human and start being a crab.

        If you could choose to be a crab, would you? I think I already know the answer, but, please, enlighten me. Peace out, and stay crabby.